Vampire Hillbilly AU: It's like an Urban Fantasy except stupid

[scarletkilometers]

ScarletKilometers: While I'm on the topic of Bad Idea Aus, which is always, What If Grand Vampire Lusamine

Bumblebard: i love that and she would be so insufferable but i read that as bad idea anus jsyk

ScarletKilometers: What if Lillie was half human and had none of the strengths and all of the weaknesses of both species

Bumblebard: twould explain her floppy hat

ScarletKilometers: I like to think she can eat garlic tho

ScarletKilometers: In precisely the fashion of the lactose intolerant who eats an entire gallon of Neapolitan because they don't have any more fucks to give

Bumblebard: yes

Bumblebard: and she doesnt strictly have to drink blood but damn she craves it

Bumblebard: she at least drinks a lot of coconut milk

Bumblebard: which can act as a sort of substitute iirc

ScarletKilometers: After she moves out she constantly orders massive amounts of garlic knots just because she can

Bumblebard: "worth it" she says, writhing in pain

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile Gladion is a werewolf and noone wants to question it

Bumblebard: hau is a paranormal investiagtor and also a werewolf

Bumblebard: sorry i dont make the rules, i say, unsorry and making the rules

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile team skull is a band of filthy vampire hillbillies staked out in the middle of the fucking woods in goddamn Ohio

Bumblebard: hot damn

Bumblebard: that sounds about right actually

ScarletKilometers: The Aloha State is a fucking horrible place to be legally allergic to sunlight so they relocated

ScarletKilometers: Collecting Rowdy Boys as they worked their way east

ScarletKilometers: "Is there enough room for all these Rowdy Boys in this Winnebago? Probably not." - - A coward

Bumblebard: "ALRIGHT EVERYONE IF WE COULD JUST TURN INTO BATS FOR A COUPLE HOURS"

Bumblebard: "WHY DOESNT PLUMERIA HAVE TO TRANSFORM?" "BECAUSE SHES THE DRIVER"

ScarletKilometers: omg yes

ScarletKilometers: They keep yelling for McDonald's even though none of them can eat that anymore

Bumblebard: does mcdonalds use garlic?

ScarletKilometers: I don't know but for this aus purposes a vampire can technically eat human food but it's like digesting cotton balls for all the good it'll do them

ScarletKilometers: There are like forty people in this goddamn van this is a prohibitively expensive meme. It's not happening

ScarletKilometers: Cow tapping is totally a thing tho

Bumblebard: def

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile Wicke is definitely one of the Fey

Bumblebard: i think that ones true in canon too tbh

ScarletKilometers: If you eat the malasada she offers you you owe her a debt of servitude

ScarletKilometers: Aether's interns have been 25 for a long time

Bumblebard: rest in peace hau

ScarletKilometers: MEANWHILE Faba is some kind of parasitic alien brain worm even though there were zero sci-fi tropes in this au till he showed up

Bumblebard: adshfkasjhdkja TRU

ScarletKilometers: He's been using the same human host since 1560 or some shit and somehow it has not gone smelly

Bumblebard: the smelly part of corpses comes from all the processes involved in decaying flesh, so it makes since that as long as the body is alive or certain forms of undead is should not smell like that

Bumblebard: unless maybe it develops necrosis?

Bumblebard: unless youre talking about faba not showering which is different

Bumblebard: but he seems like he would shower twice a day

ScarletKilometers: Yeah whatever the hell he is they normally need to jump hosts every century or so because they go bad and start losing brain functions

ScarletKilometers: We don't know how this one has held up so long

Bumblebard: hes just able to halt the bodies natural aging process somehow

ScarletKilometers: His human host may actually be another vampire